My last journal entry ended with “I’m doing a good work in the midst of having faith and reminding myself to keep my head up”.
I need that and needed that.
I’ve been on metaphoric screen saver mode for a bit, and I understand that that’s important sometimes.
I also now understand that the engagement of my heart can’t be attached to a timeline or formula.
It’s a lot more untamed than that, like a wild and faithful lover.
One that is both unpredictable and sturdy.
One that knows joy and grief.
Love and sorrow.
Pain and hope.
The engagement of one’s heart is not required but is a privilege.
It feels both scary (at times) and liberating.
It's a necessity.
The engagement of the heart is active, it’s the sharing of the heart that is being and has been stirred.
When and how, who and what for.
I remind myself of the same things on repeat because that’s when my mind begins to believe them.
Sharing is liberating, because while our construction is different our blueprints were made by the same designer.
Isn’t that why we all want to know and be known, to love and be loved.
And why is it so hard to learn how to love and be loved.
Why is it so hard to receive love well and give love well, when it’s essentially what we were made for.
I suppose it’s the spice of pain that causes love to scatter and hide.
When we can outlove our pain and outlove others' pain, isn’t that when we win….but how?
So God, teach me.